Aggression. Suppression and processing. How to get rid of constant aggression and irritability

Over the past decades, the situation has changed greatly. We are increasingly involved in a rapidly and rapidly changing world and cannot remain indifferent not only to the bad behavior of neighbors or relatives, but also to hot global conflicts, environmental and economic issues, and much more.

Under these conditions, anger and aggression can become a part of life if you do not learn in time to separate what is important from what is unimportant for yourself. Immersing ourselves in complexity with all our thoughts, we may not notice how we ourselves are turning into tram boors, nervous colleagues and quarrelsome relatives. Although just yesterday they did not respect and condemn such behavior.

A mistake can be made at the very beginning, succumbing to the belief that since the world is turbulent and dynamic, it is unrealistic to cope with it and you will have to live like that. There are people who seriously believe that such qualities must even be developed in order to survive morally. However, the way out is just in the other direction - only calmness!

How to test yourself

Patience and tolerance, on the one hand, are promoted in our society, although sometimes it looks more like weak attempts to come to terms with reality. But the desire to respond to everything that offends you can be immediately realized on social networks, where it is still difficult to control insults. But it’s stupid to shift responsibility for your feelings onto the moderators of online publications. The question is how often do you find a threat to yourself in the world around you and how adequately do you react to this.

Test yourself on several points and think about whether the following reasons for anger apply to you:

1. When faced with situations of injustice towards others, you feel your own resentment and guilt for what is happening.

2. You have a tendency to criticize others and guide them on the right path. You need to understand what goal you are pursuing - to change a person, to vent anger or to defend yourself.

3. You do things and say things that you later regret.

4. Your irritability affects your health - headaches, fatigue, insomnia.

5. Your mood changes from situations that do not directly affect your life.

All of these signs may indicate that you have too much excess in your life. negative emotions and it’s worth looking into this in more detail.

What to do to reduce the level of aggression

1. Express anger in acceptable ways. Most often, we are unable to control the way we express anger, but the emotion itself has every right to exist. It is important not to confuse the ban on rudeness with the ban on feeling itself. It is known that suppressing aggression that has already flared up is even more harmful than letting it out. Try to formulate your complaint and present it politely.

2. Don’t dump on your opponent everything that you have been silent about for a long time.(even if there is more than one reason). Discuss only the issue that worries you at the moment. There are often cases when we and our loved ones, having fallen under the distribution, receive not only for ourselves, but also for the country, government and the international situation.

3. Try not to dig deep. Our fantasies lead us into such wilds false reasons and consequences, from which it then takes more than one year to get out. The passerby who pushed you did not want to offend you - he is in a hurry, has not fallen out of love, but is simply tired. Stop the line of reasoning at simple conclusions, especially since most likely this is the case.

4. Determine your need. Our anger is an indicator. Why do you get involved in conversations about politics? Do you crave communication, want to attract attention, are you looking for the use of your intellect? Understanding the main motive, implement it and have fun without focusing on annoying little things.

5. Communicate your difficulties. If the problem persists and the outbursts cannot be controlled, ask for help. Telling your loved ones about your feelings and expecting that they will be taken into account is quite natural. This way you can make sure that there are no enemies around you.

6. Empathize. This is aerobatics, but you can try. What irritates you is likely to irritate the other person as well. Sometimes we quarrel simply because we are in the same emotional field, but we have nothing to share. By empathizing with another, we can see that the occasion is not worth the reaction.

7. Feel your authority. In most cases, we feel violated at the moment of anger, not realizing our significance. But in fact, it doesn’t go anywhere and all that remains is to show it. It is important to remember that you are a confident person and do not panic over nonsense.

8. Don’t look for reasons and those to blame. In general, it’s normal to be angry and nervous, if you don’t start going into debriefing, finding someone responsible for everything in this world and being annoyed that the world is imperfect. Getting nervous and stopping is the best choice.

9. Find the meaning of life. It sounds fabulous, but it works quite rationally. Understanding the value of your existence helps you stay afloat and not drown with every oncoming wave. When you rush towards joyful event(meeting with your loved one, going home to your children, going to an exciting language course), will you slow down because of a minor quarrel or bad weather? Hardly.

10. Forget. This mechanism fails if there is a desire to push yourself and suffer for no reason. But you must agree that in this case bad memory It's even worth practicing. Negative scenarios will no longer drag you deeper into worries, just as you were offended yesterday or half an hour ago.

It happens that he becomes aggressive close person. What to do? Let's watch the video!

He talks about what aggression is, where it comes from and how to deal with it. family psychologist and head of the SoDeistvie center Anna Khnykina.

Sometimes a violation of boundaries is associated with an attempt on life, health, or a clear violation of the law - these are physical threats, beatings, invasion of private territory, rape, theft, and so on...

In this case, the best way out would be to resort to the help of the police and authorities, and not rely on any psychological super-techniques. There is no need to strive to be omnipotent; it is better to realistically assess the situation: admit your weakness in time and involve the competent authorities or at least passersby and neighbors.

Violation of boundaries means pressure, various manipulations, intimidation, coercion. Such violations can and should be dealt with.

Let's figure out what happens to us when our borders are violated. Very often, the true reaction to a violation of boundaries is feelings of powerlessness and fear, which in turn rarely results in downtroddenness and lack of will...

More often than not, our powerlessness instantly becomes anger, anger, and if we also feel ashamed, rage comes into play. You may not agree, but just think: when we seem vulnerable and weak, our first reaction is to defend ourselves, to strengthen our defense mechanisms.

In the name of protection

This is how it turns out - the one who defends himself is aggressive. Remember yours and you will see that every time you behave aggressively, you lose some control over yourself (otherwise you would not behave that way) and do something specific that could protect you. These could be words that stop the offender, arguments that destroy “his truth,” actions that stop him. All of these are your protective actions, in the name of preserving you and your understanding of the situation. But it is precisely in the name of protecting ourselves (our children, loved ones) that we often go beyond and violate the boundaries of another person. It is obvious that everything described happens quickly, no one, naturally, falls into analysis at such moments, we act spontaneously and mechanically, since we are talking in some way about instinctive behavior.

So, what can we do to prevent instinctive passion from ruling us? How to stop it without at the same time directing it inward, against yourself? How not to ruin relationships with loved ones or colleagues?

1) Realize. In order to neutralize your defensive reaction, you first need to figure out what exactly caused it. It happens that aggression includes helplessness in us, maybe it’s fear, or maybe it’s vulnerability or resentment.

Awareness of these moments is the first step. Realize what exactly caused your aggressive reaction? What made you vulnerable in this moment? What didn't you like? What are you really trying to hide? What are you running from? What exactly do you want to say to the offender?

2) The second step is to express aggression. Here it is important to release destructive energy outward so that it stops destroying you and pushing you into unconscious destructive actions. There are many ways and techniques, I will tell you about them now.

A) Somehow, many women really like this method of “reacting”: at the moment of a domestic quarrel, when it is no longer possible to remain calm and “keep face,” we don’t argue with anyone, we don’t object (because it’s clear that it’s useless), we don’t quarrel , and let's go to the bathroom. We close there. We throw the laundry on the bottom of the bath, pour some water, take off the slippers - and go! We trample and wash the clothes. You will feel when enough is enough.

b) You may tear the paper. Of course, so that no one sees. The best thing is whatman paper folded in four. Decent strength will be required, which means a lot of energy will be required.

V) Using bataka - take some object (stick, tennis racket, bat, rolling pin...) and beat upholstered furniture, with strength, better - leather (it makes a more effective sound). If there is no one in the room or the conditions allow it, shout!

G) Write a letter to the offender who violates your boundaries. If you are at work and there is no opportunity to go shout, sit down and write everything that you would like to say, but due to your upbringing and corporate etiquette, you cannot. In detail, with introductions and conclusions, what you want to do with it and why, and how you actually feel...

It is too great way expressions internal aggression. It helps a lot of people, I know from experience. I recently read a statement from a lady on the Internet: “I just go to the forum and start expressing all this to everyone there!” I'm sure she's feeling better! But it’s better not to convey this state of yours to anyone, but to write it down (paper, as you know, will endure anything) and then destroy it. It is important.

3) Third important step: switch! Go outside - this is the simplest and most wonderful thing you can do, even the air is different there. If this is not possible, go into another room, change the channel on the TV, “change the picture,” in a word. Or, metaphorically speaking, take “three steps sideways.” It is important to experience some situation in this “other place” - ask someone about something, look at the windows, try on something in a store, have a snack or read... It is important here to be in some other situation as a participant , not a witness.

After you realize what exactly turned you on, then “let off steam”, exhale, go into another space where you can be distracted, catch your breath, switch and literally “come to your senses”, you yourself will feel that you can return to unpleasant conversation, but in a different state.

Now you will be ready to negotiate constructively and calmly, and not shout that you are not understood.

Instructions

First of all, remember: endlessly restrain aggression impossible. But it is possible to figure out what caused it. Analyze your life. When did you start to notice increased blood pressure, what provokes you to manifest it? Family problems, financial difficulties, unsatisfied ambitions, fatigue - all this can make a person unrecognizable. Only by identifying the root of the problem and eliminating it will you return to full life. If this is not possible at the moment, consider changing your attitude.

Talk to loved ones about your condition. Explain how difficult it is for you, apologize for all the misunderstandings in the past. Perhaps together you will find a way to change the situation that is causing aggression. The support of family and friends will give you a sense of confidence, and going through challenges together will only strengthen your relationship.

Find a safe outlet for aggression. A proven remedy is load. Start swimming, jogging in the morning, or learn a new unusual sport, such as rock climbing. Sign up for the martial arts section. An important part of them is breathing exercises, which helps to control not only the body, but also the spirit. A new hobby will also distract you from annoying problems.

Let your emotions out. Shout out. But not on a colleague or a salesperson in a store, but where possible and necessary. Go to a rock concert, even if you usually listen to Mozart or Beethoven. Attend a hockey match and become the loudest fan in the stands. Make sure, however, that your emotions are only positive. Don't point them at people around you. Psychologists also recommend an exercise: go to railway and stand under the nearby bridge next to the tracks. When a train passes nearby, shout as loud as you want. You will not hear the noise of the wheels and will feel more comfortable, and the evening darkness will hide you from prying eyes.

Contact a psychologist. A professional will help you look at life from a new angle and find the optimal solution to the problem. Remember that it doesn't happen. In addition, unmotivated aggression may be a symptom, which, contrary to popular belief, is a serious illness and is not a cure, but medication.

note

Many people are embarrassed to seek advice from a psychologist. And completely in vain. Treat a psychologist like any other doctor. You don't doubt whether you should go to the dentist, do you? A disordered psyche needs professional treatment no less than a bad tooth.

Helpful advice

Find time for a little rest. From a distance, past problems may not seem so bad, so you will be able to deal with them easier when you return home.

Sources:

• how to suppress aggression in yourself

People are forced to interact with each other. And those around you, unfortunately, are not always in good mood. It happens that your interlocutor begins to show aggression towards you. To avoid becoming a victim of such behavior, you need to be able to react to it correctly.

Instructions

Change your voice to a softer one when you feel that your interlocutor is showing aggression towards you. At the same time, he should not have the feeling that you are afraid of him and that he can influence you in this way. Speak more quietly than usual and then your opponent will be forced to listen to your words. The main thing is not to overdo it, otherwise your interlocutor may become even more aggressive.

Surely many of us know that outbursts of anger are a simple defensive reaction of our body.

In this way we get rid of overwhelming emotions and experiences. But not everyone is capable of this because of their beliefs. Some believe that openly expressing anger is bad, others believe that this is how they show their weakness.

But, nevertheless, we are all human, and we tend to get angry. Aggressiveness is inherent in us by nature itself and, every time we suppress it, we direct our own strength against ourselves. The accumulated energy of anger and anger destroys us from the inside, causing illness, fatigue and depression. So how is it possible to get rid of anger, free yourself from accumulated grievances and negative emotions? Do you really need to give vent to your anger? But it is precisely from such outbursts of aggression that the people closest and dearest to you can suffer... Some people try to get rid of indignation on their own, and they try so hard that they plunge even deeper into it. It would seem like a paradox: everything is clear, it’s impossible, without anger it will be better and easier, but the more you pronounce the formula “calm down” to yourself, the more angry you become.

To calm down and adequately respond to a certain critical situation, psychologists advise counting to ten. I think that many have heard about this method. But! This method helps some, but for others it does exactly the opposite. Gradually approaching “ten”, such people simply “loose their chains”, saying later that before the counting began they were much calmer.

The success of a response to a problem depends on the rapid release of negative emotions. The faster the better. And we often restrain ourselves, pushing resentment and anger deeper into our hearts. But after a while these emotions new strength asking to come out. That is why we are exhausted both physically and psychologically. But this does not mean at all that you need to break down, take revenge and destroy the offenders. In no case. You need to be able to release anger in alternative and harmless ways.

Here are several ways to relieve negative emotions of anger, irritability, and aggression.

1. Give free rein to your feelings! It is very important to allow yourself to be angry and feel anger. You don't forbid yourself to laugh, do you? And joy is the same emotion as anger, only without your internal limitations. So, take a pillow and start hitting it - this way you will throw out all the anger and feel that it has become much easier for you, as if you have dropped a heavy burden. If this method doesn't really suit you, then write a letter of hate and anger. Write on paper, pressing hard on the pencil or pen, putting all your hatred and anger into each word. After writing, be sure to burn the letter. There is another alternative to this method - lock yourself in the car and scream at the top of your lungs, or go to where there are fewer people (forest, dacha, etc.) and shout as you want!

2. Don't push yourself to the limit when you are yelled at or criticized! The best way coping with anger means expressing it to the person who angered you. Just say: “You know, I don’t like it when you talk to me like that...” or “I’m angry with you because...” Of course, it’s not always justified to express everything to your face. You can address the offender through the mirror. Play out the situation that pissed you off, and, imagining in the mirror the one who offended you, express everything you think about him. After your anger has subsided, try to sincerely understand and forgive him. Forgiveness will help you completely free yourself from anger and aggression.

3. Learn to pause The easiest way to cope with yourself is to do deep breath and count to ten. I have already mentioned this method above. If possible, take a walk, because movement will definitely help cope with the rushing adrenaline. You can also “wash away” the negative. Do laundry or wash dishes. Contact with water will provide a discharge. When you feel like you can barely restrain yourself from saying too much, mentally fill your mouth with water. Let the plot from the fairy tale about enchanted water help you with this: “Once upon a time there was an old man and an old woman. Not a day went by that they didn't fight. And, although both were tired of quarreling, they could not stop. One day a fortune teller came to their house and gave them a bucket of enchanted water: “If you feel like swearing again, take a mouthful of this water, and the quarrel will pass.” As soon as she was out the door, the old woman began to nag the old man. And he took water into his mouth and remained silent. What now, should the old woman shake the air alone? It takes two to fight! So they lost the habit of swearing...” 4. Get rid of accumulated anxiety and internal blocks!

The following techniques, borrowed from the Taoist teachings of Shou Dao, will help you.

The “Buddha Smile” exercise will allow you to easily achieve a state of mental balance. Calm down and try not to think about anything. Completely relax the muscles of your face and imagine how they fill with heaviness and warmth, and then, having lost their elasticity, they seem to “flow” down in a pleasant languor. Focus on the corners of your lips. Imagine how your lips begin to move slightly to the sides, forming a slight smile. Do not exert any muscular effort. You will feel your lips stretch into a subtle smile, and a feeling of incipient joy will appear throughout your body. Try to do this exercise every day until the “Buddha smile” state becomes familiar to you.

5. Go to a neurologist. Don't be shy or afraid. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re healthy, it’s just that life has provoked a depressive state that is natural in your situation. Tell us about the recurring thoughts that debilitate you. You will be prescribed harmless medications, possibly homeopathic, which you will take when emotions overwhelm you. Don't be ashamed of what happens to you. This is not that uncommon.

You just need to competently help yourself get out of an unpleasant state.

Anger can eat you up inside and slowly destroy your life. While anger is a natural emotion and a healthy reaction, giving in to it is dangerous. You have to learn to let him go for your sake. Here are some tips on exactly how to do just that.

Steps

Part 1

Basic Steps

Understand anger. When present over a long period of time, anger becomes an emotion that hurts the person experiencing it more than the person or people it is directed at. Anger often occurs when someone wants to avoid feeling hurt by a situation, but this anger can only end up hurting him or her further.

Identify the root of your anger. Find out what exactly is causing you pain. Only by identifying the loss or underlying problem can you confront it and let it go.

• For example, if your spouse cheated on you or left you, naturally you would be angry. The sense of loss you are experiencing is most likely due to the loss of feeling loved, valued and respected.
• As another example, if you feel angry after a friend betrays you, the loss that leads you to sadness and anger is the loss of friendship and companionship. The more important this feeling of friendship was to you, the greater will be your loss, and the greater will be your anger.

1. Allow yourself to grieve. Because anger is often a mask to hide pain, remove that mask when you are alone and allow yourself to grieve that pain or loss without feeling guilty or weak about it.

   • Denying your grief is not a strength, although many people mistakenly believe that experiencing grief and sadness is a sign of weakness. When something upsetting happens, there is no real point in denying how much pain it causes you. The pain won't go away just because you refuse to admit it. In any case, the pain will remain longer if it is preserved internally.
   • Instead of saying, “I’m fine,” admit, “I’m suffering.” In the long run, this acknowledgment will help relieve pain and anger more effectively than denial.

2. Replace resentment with compassion. Another way could be to try to put yourself in someone else's shoes. Consider the reasons the offender might have for such actions. You may never fully understand someone else's motives, or maybe you will agree with them after accepting them, but you will find it easier to stop being angry at someone after you spend a little time in his or her head.

   • People rarely hurt others without hurting themselves in some way. Negativity spreads like a disease, and if you are caught by someone else's negativity, it is likely that the person caught it from someone else before.

3. Sorry. This does not mean that you have to accept, respect, or forgive the wrongdoing that caused your anger. In this sense, forgiveness only means making a conscious decision to let go of the grudge and desire to take revenge on the person who did you wrong.

   • Understand that forgiving someone may not encourage the other party to change their behavior. The purpose of forgiveness in this sense is to cleanse yourself of the anger and resentment that is growing inside you. Forgiveness for one's own benefit is an internal necessity, not an external one.
   • Forgiveness can help you build healthy relationships, reach more high level spiritual and psychological well-being, reduce stress and anxiety, lower blood pressure, reduce symptoms of depression and reduce the risk of alcohol or drug abuse.

   Part 2

   Approaching anger on a personal level

   1. Take a more optimistic view. Remember that every cloud has a silver lining. Although the situation that caused your anger may be extremely negative, there may be some positive aspects or side effects that are actually beneficial to you. Identify them and latch on to them to help you cope.

      • In particular, consider any ways your pain has helped you grow as a person. If this doesn't work, consider how your pain has set you on a new path leading to good things that you might not have experienced if you skipped this path entirely.
      • If you can't find positive sides unpleasant situation, look at other good things in your life and other things you can be grateful for.

   2. Write a letter or journal. If you keep a diary or journal, write about your anger as often as necessary to help you release it. If you don't have a journal, you can write an angry letter to the person who initiated your anger to vent your emotions. But don't send it.

      • Sending a letter is almost always a bad idea. Even if you phrase it as politely as possible, the other party will likely take it poorly, especially if he or she suffers from low self-esteem or other personal pain.
      • Ideally, you should write a letter, read it out loud, and tear it up or burn it as a form of symbolic release.

   3. Scream. There are times when a person feels so angry that he or she feels the urge to scream. If you're facing this kind of anger right now, pause reading and scream into your pillow. Screaming gives you physical release. The mind and body are connected, so by physically releasing your anger, you can also help relieve some mental emotions.

      • As a precaution, you should make sure your screams are well muffled by a pillow to avoid disturbing your neighbors.

   4. Practice. Like screaming, exercise provides physical release of your anger. If you're not a big fan physical exercise, you can still start small by walking more.

      • This works best when you find a form of exercise that you enjoy. Take a walk in the picturesque park, take a swim in the refreshing water, or throw a couple of balls in the basket.

   5. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. When memories of past anger begin to surface, quickly replace the thought with something positive to prevent your mood from worsening.

      • You may remember something good in the past, think about something exciting ahead, or think bigger by daydreaming.
      • Although, as a general rule, you will want to avoid thinking about things related to the person who hurt you, even if those thoughts are positive. Remembering the way it was can increase the pain of how things turned out, only increasing your anger as a result.

   6. Metaphorically throw it away. If many of the details of a given situation upset you, you may want to find something symbolic to represent those components of your anger before throwing them away.

   7. Find a hobby you like. Sometimes the best way to heal from negative emotions like anger is to have a positive hobby that you are truly committed to investing yourself in.

      • If you don't have a hobby yet, try a few different ones. Take a class in painting, cooking, knitting, or any other potential hobby that catches your attention.

   Part 3

   Approaching Anger on a Spiritual Level

   1. Pray. If you believe in God, pray for strength of spirit and a willingness to let go of your anger. When you are unable to let go of your anger on your own, asking for Divine help can help soften your heart enough to release the anger.

      • If you can't find the words to express your anger and pain while praying, you can also look online and in prayer books for pre-written prayers that describe exactly how you feel.

   2. Meditate. Whether you adhere to any particular faith or not, meditation is in a good way to stabilize your body, mind and soul. There are many types of meditation you can try, so choose what's best for you and your needs.

      • When learning to meditate for the first time, choose a basic meditation program and create a calming space for yourself, but not so relaxing that you fall asleep during your meditation exercises.

   3. Turn to your faith. Again, if you believe in a higher power, rely on this higher power seeking strength to overcome anger and resentment can be a successful idea.

      • In particular, if you believe in God and that God is loving and active in the process of human history, release your negativity and realize that God has a purpose for your pain and has not abandoned you.
      • Consult with the religious leader at your worship center or others who share your faith for support and guidance. Read biblical texts or spiritual books written on the subject of anger and forgiveness.