The guy offered to stay on good terms. Let's remain friends: what to do if your loved one offers you friendship

“Let’s remain friends,” you’ve probably heard this phrase uttered by a man at least once in your life. If he says that, then it’s really all over between you, this is a break in the relationship that you will need to come to terms with, because you won’t be nice by force. The love of any man manifests itself first in sexual attraction to the selected object, that is, to the woman. Therefore, it is necessary, first of all, to win the attention of a potential candidate for the role of your boyfriend, with your spectacular appearance and attractiveness. If you don’t know how to present yourself correctly, then not a single man will be near you and will view your relationship from the angle from which you want. Don’t forget that men love confident women; they will never say this stupid and useless phrase to such ladies - “Let’s remain friends.”

But even if this happened, you shouldn’t get upset and immediately look for flaws in yourself, dig up complexes that don’t exist and blame yourself for all your sins. Try to approach all situations calmly and reasonably. As they say, everything that is done is for the better. Apparently, this is not the person with whom you could spend your whole life and be happy. When one person leaves you, another will definitely come in his place, maybe better and more worthy than the previous one. Always believe in it and don't give up. The pain will pass, you will survive this separation and after a while you will not even remember what happened, but you will become a little wiser and more experienced, draw conclusions and not repeat previous mistakes.

The best thing in such a situation is to plunge headlong into work or your hobby. This will help you take your mind off bad thoughts and start living again, with a clean slate. Even if the man returns to you, it will be in your interests not only him, but also another hobby, and by this time you will worry less and will not react so emotionally to everything. Try to rehabilitate yourself.

Another option is to go on a trip, change your surroundings and make new friends. You simply will not have time for sadness and longing, for memories of the past. Tour to an exotic country or even trip around the world will give you a lot of emotions that will become your main event.

Playing sports is a good way to get in shape. Give it your all so that you don’t even have the strength to think about something negative. In addition, it will also have a great effect on your figure, you will gain slimness and flexibility. To hell with all the nonsense from your head when you have something to entertain yourself with.

Diversify your life, start doing what you have been trying to achieve for so long. For example, sign up for courses foreign languages or study for a driving license, or maybe try yourself in some new field and change your field of activity? Just excellent! Sometimes even a hobby can become the main profession of your life, which is doubly nice.

And the most important thing you need to do is prepare to meet your true love, and therefore you need to take care of yourself. Dedicate the weekend exclusively to yourself. Go for a massage, spa treatments, buy expensive high-quality cosmetics, get a manicure, change your hairstyle - love yourself and then you will definitely find someone who will love you even more. Just look around - the world is beautiful and you can still find your place in it, next to your loved one.

A few years ago I wrote an article entitled “”, which discussed the feasibility of such a friendship, but without regard to the desire to return the guy. That is, it was assumed that return was not your goal. In the time that has passed since that publication, in the comments to my articles they very often ask: “What should I do if my ex, after a breakup, suggested “staying friends”? Should we agree to a new format of relationship in the form of “friendship”? Will such “friendship” with your ex help you get him back?” Today I will try to answer these questions.

Should I accept my ex-boyfriend's offer to “stay friends”?

It is hardly possible to find any other factor that would have a greater impact Negative influence for a chance than to “stay friends.” Nothing will slow down the process of rebuilding a relationship more.

You probably think that turning the relationship into a “friendship” state will help you be closer to your guy, but in reality you will be moving further away from him. The longer the “friendship” lasts, the deeper you become established in the role of a friend and the less likely it is that the guy will again see you not as a platonic, but as a romantic partner.

In addition, it is worth noting that this “friendship” will not bring you joy. Imagine, for example, how your ex-boyfriend starts dating another girl, and you have to sit back and watch, because you are a friend. Moreover, you will need to pretend to be “happiness”, because you are a friend. Now imagine how a guy walks with this girl “hand in hand” where you walked with him and how he takes her to “your places”. Now try to imagine him calling you the next day to talk about it, listen to your opinion and ask for advice.

Think about it, how can you be “friends” like that? - Of course not! If you still love him, you cannot deceive yourself and pretend that no love exists. The passive role of a friend will only lead you to the most severe jealousy, bitterness, and ultimately to anger and resentment.

The biggest misconception about being “friends” with your ex

When a guy says after a breakup, “Let’s stay friends,” “I don’t want to lose touch with you,” “we’ll still talk,” or something like that, it’s very easy to make the mistake of agreeing with it. The reason for this mistake is simple: you don’t want to “lose it completely.” But the “final loss” that most girls talk about is nothing more than an illusion and self-deception. There is not and cannot be any “incomplete” loss for you. Romantic relationships either exist or they don’t, there’s no middle ground. After all, you need exactly romantic relationship, and not just any. But for a guy who left you, there is precisely an incomplete loss, because friendship with you completely suits him, and only by losing this friendship will he lose you completely.

It seems to you that by “staying friends” with your ex, you do not lose contact with him. You can, as before, call or write to him, talk to him, see him, or even hang out somewhere together. Do you think that over time, an insight will suddenly descend on him, he will understand that he loves you, after which the relationship will be restored in the most naturally. At first glance, it is a simple, clear and easy strategy. However, the reality is that it almost never works. If you become a friend to your ex-boyfriend, it does not increase the chances of his return, but on the contrary, it reduces them, making a return extremely unlikely.

Why? “At the end of the day, the guy has everything he had while you were in the relationship, but at the same time he is free from any obligations to you. And if you also consider that in many cases “friendship” with an ex also includes “friendly” sex, then the guy is generally completely satisfied with everything.

Let's look at the situation from your point of view ex-boyfriend:

He gets the freedom to contact you whenever he needs;
he can see you whenever he wants or when he misses you;
he can have fun with you free time and even offer joint travel, vacations, trips, parties, picnics (and you won’t refuse, you won’t risk it);
he is not obliged to call you, write, entertain, pay attention, listen, etc., because he is not your boyfriend, but just a friend;
he can quite easily date other girls without the risk of losing you;
he also gets the opportunity to maintain an intimate connection with you.

Name at least one reason why a guy, having all this, would want to reconnect with you. Seriously, think about it. Your ex-boyfriend has no incentive to get back with you. By having you as a friend, he has everything he could have in a relationship.

The ex-boyfriend extracts the maximum benefit for himself from his “friendship” with you - you love him, take care of him, try to please him, in the hope that he will return, and the guy is only “friends” with you. In fact, your ex-boyfriend is exploiting your feelings by giving him false hope, which makes you want to be very good to him. ideal friend against all odds. You cannot be offended, respond to rudeness or neglect, because if you lose your temper, then your hope is over. It seems to you that then you will “lose him completely,” and the guy takes advantage of your tension and fear even unconsciously (and sometimes consciously).

A very unpleasant situation, isn't it? - But the worst thing is that you yourself are to blame for this if you agreed to “remain friends” even after the guy left you. Don't indulge yourself with illusions. When offering friendship, a guy is not guided solely by crystal clear thoughts. Think about it, if you're not good enough for him to be his girlfriend, then why are you good enough to be his friend? Doesn't this seem strange? By agreeing to be a friend, you thereby agree to lower your status, and this is humiliating.

Imagine if your best friend announced that she would no longer consider you as hers. best friend, but only a friend, but at the same time insists on continuing communication, spending time together and mutual assistance: “I want you to continue to treat me as your best friend, but you will no longer be my best friend.” Humiliating? - Yes! Would that suit you? Would you agree to this? - No! Why then should you agree to even greater humiliation in front of your ex-boyfriend? Even if you are very guilty before him, then this is only a reason for an apology, for working on yourself, but not a reason for humiliation and loss of self-esteem.

What to do if your ex-boyfriend wants to be "friends"

The solution to this problem is actually very simple and obvious: you should tell him “no.” Just say it directly: “Thanks, but no.” You love him too much to allow yourself to be content with just the status of a friend, to pretend that this suits you and not dare to show your true feelings. Therefore, it’s either love or nothing. Maybe someday in the future you can become his friend, but not now and not in the near future. Just wish your guy all the best and say goodbye to him.

If you can do just that, the guy will naturally not be happy, because this is not at all what he expected. Breaking up a relationship is an unpleasant thing not only for the one who is being abandoned, but also for the one who is leaving. Of course it is different levels“trouble”, but at the same time it is trouble and anxiety for both sides. In such conditions, the guy wants to ensure freedom of maneuver for himself, but at the same time he deprives you of this freedom.

He became uncomfortable with you (which is why he broke off the relationship), but he still doesn’t know how he will feel without you. So he strives to make the transition from the state “with you” to the state “without you” as painless as possible for himself. The guy seems to put his foot in the door so that you don’t close it; on the other hand, he leans on the same door so that you don’t open it, and calls the resulting gap, the width of which, by the way, is under his complete control, “friendship.” . Thus, he does not need to make a choice - to be with you or without you, since you, as it were, remain with him. He loses nothing and risks nothing.

It is worth noting that this guy’s behavior is not malicious intent to cause you suffering. IN similar situations Most people act this way. If it is possible not to make a choice and not expose oneself to the risk of later regretting one's decision, a person will use this opportunity for as long as he is allowed to do so.

Indeed, it’s one thing to look for new clothes while the old ones are still with you, but it’s quite another thing when, before buying a new one, you need to give away the old ones. This is a completely different level of responsibility for one’s decision; risks arise, right?

By denying a guy “friendship” after a breakup, you deprive him of his freedom of maneuver and force him to make a choice that he avoids in every possible way, because as a result of this choice he really risks losing you “completely.”

Refusing the offer to “stay friends” is a very powerful move that makes a guy think hard about the correctness of his decision. Indeed, in this case, you also get freedom of maneuver, exactly the same as he does. Therefore, you can live your life, date other guys, have fun without your ex-boyfriend, and he won't even know with whom, when or where. Does this prospect make him happy? - Of course not!

In many cases, having received a refusal of “friendship” from the girl he left behind, a guy can actually understand after a relatively short time that he was in a hurry to break off the relationship and is not ready for his girlfriend to go to someone else. This may prompt the guy to think that perhaps it is worth restoring the relationship, but just work better on mutual understanding before that.

In fact, guys are not at all as cruel as their actions suggest and are not as difficult to understand as they seem. Therefore, know that when a guy says: “It’s all over between us,” and his decision is final, irrevocable, and under no circumstances will he ever return to you, then in fact, inside him, everything is not so simple. And if he offers you “friendship” after a breakup, then it’s even more ambiguous.

Why you shouldn't pay attention to your ex-boyfriend's attempts to be friends

The fantasy of almost every girl left by her boyfriend looks something like this: Suddenly the phone rings, and the girl sees that it is her ex-boyfriend. Excited, she watches as his name and number appear on the phone screen... or an email comes from him, or a message on a social network, or something else. In short, no matter what, he wants to contact her. Now she will answer him and hear that he loves her, cannot live without her and wants to restore the relationship...

But is this really so? – As a rule, this is not the case at all. Why then does your ex-boyfriend want to contact you? What could this mean?

In such a situation, you are too worried to understand the reasons for his attempt to make contact. Most often, the ex-boyfriend does not need contact in order to restore the relationship. Usually this is “reconnaissance” in order to find out whether the “place of your boyfriend” vacated by him is free and whether it is still reserved for him. He needs as much as possible full information, in order to understand how free he is to maneuver and how much time he has to stay in a state when he does not yet need to make a final choice between “being with you” or “being without you.” Simply put, the guy wants to know how great the risk is of losing you completely, and whether you feel free in your further actions.

It is possible that contact will be supported by some plausible pretext, for example, “to pick up your things.” He may want to look at you, see you, visit you at home so that the “intelligence data” about the assessment of your current position is as accurate as possible. He can also collect information through friends, colleagues, and relatives. During a contact or meeting, he will probably want to secure your consent to maintain constant contact in the future (“let’s communicate, because you are not a stranger to me”), and ideally, to “become friends” in order to have a guarantee of freedom for himself maneuver (which I already wrote about above). Sometimes a guy can resort to manipulation - start to be “offended” if you refuse him “friendship” and blackmail you with “his final loss,” but he will do this only in order not to lose control over you.

Naturally, there may be other cases and other reasons, but, as a rule, it is the desire to control you, the whole situation as a whole, and to be calm about his unoccupied place in your heart, that serves as an incentive that forces a guy not to lose touch with you after the end of the relationship . This is why breaking up is so important, especially in the first few days or even weeks after a breakup.

Please note that I am not saying anything about ignoring your ex-boyfriend or not responding to his messages and phone calls, about adding him to the “black lists” and removing him from “friends” in in social networks, about writing him a devastating letter expressing all your grievances... It’s better not to do any of this, since this is a manifestation not of strength, but of weakness. Plus, it won't always be possible to do this because you might work or study together, live in the same house, have mutual friends, and hang out in the same places.

Your goal is not to temporarily cut your ex-boyfriend out of your life. All you have to do is push his foot out of the door and put yours in there, take control of the door, and show the guy only what you want to show him - strong girl, capable of surviving a heavy blow of fate and focused on the future, and not what he wants to see - a weak and pathetic creature ready to give up everything in order to devote her entire life to waiting for his return. Let the guy not understand anything and constantly doubt - who you are with, where you are, how you spend your time, what you are thinking about, or maybe you already have someone... This will inflame his curiosity even more.

However, if you are not capable of that level of self-control with your ex-boyfriend, think very carefully before you happily answer his call a couple of days or weeks after the breakup, even if you can think of a million reasons to do so. After all, you will give yourself away and let your ex-boyfriend know that you are still waiting for his return, his place is free, and he can take his time and not worry about anything. I am against ignoring and playing “silent”, but if you have to choose between “completely ignoring” and “being friends”, it is better to choose the first, because by remaining friends with your ex, you will greatly delay his return or even make it impossible.

Only when you are ready to return your ex-boyfriend, when you understand what you were the real reason breakup and how to build a new relationship, only then can you start all over again and become friends. But this will be a different friendship - before the relationship, and not after it. Hope you understand the difference?

FROM THE AUTHOR: My responses in the comments are the opinion of an individual and not the advice of a specialist. I’m trying to answer everyone without exception, but unfortunately I don’t physically have time to study long stories, analyze them, ask questions about them and then answer in detail, and I also don’t have the opportunity to accompany your situations, because this requires a huge amount of free time, and I have very little of it.

In this regard, I kindly ask you to ask specific questions about the topic of the article, do not try to use the comments for correspondence or chat, and do not expect me to provide advice in the comments.

Of course, you can ignore my request (which many people do), but then be prepared for me to ignore yours. This is not a matter of principle, but solely of time and my physical capabilities. Don't be offended.

If you want to receive qualified help, please seek advice, and I will devote my time and knowledge to you with full dedication.

With respect and hope for understanding, Frederica

Why does a man offer to remain friends if the relationship is over? Girls often write: “Is it possible to be friends after a breakup, because the person is good, you don’t want to lose him?” Whether you agree or not depends on whether you have feelings for this person. If yes, then nothing will work out with your friendship. If not, it won’t work either. Because he's not interested in you anyway.

A man offers friendship in the following cases:

1. Doesn’t want a tantrum with an analysis of the reasons, but at the same time he’s too well-mannered to just leave.

2. Out of pity. Here his proposal should be perceived as “I feel very sorry for you, but essentially I don’t care.”

3. I haven’t decided what to do with you - “it’s hard to carry and it’s a shame to throw you away,” just be a “friend” for now.

4. Leaves it in reserve in case of sexual “downtime” or if it doesn’t work out with a new girl.

5. Just a polite wording that does not oblige you to anything, so you shouldn’t take it literally.

There are cases when a man really has a sincere interest in a girl, but this is when he is kept in the friend zone, and he agrees, realizing that there is no other option. Or not understanding, but hoping for something.

Of course, there is friendship between a man and a woman, but it exists on its own, without sexual overtones and does not grow out of previous relationships. If it grows up, it means that initially the relationship was built more on friendship and not on something else.

What do you even imagine when ex offers friendship? He will have new woman and you will silently endure this? It is not a fact that she will tolerate this and will not nip it in the bud. But let's say she doesn't care. A man in the euphoria of a new relationship doesn’t care about his male friends, let alone his ex, whom he left as a handle for his missing suitcase. Then the first delight will pass, everything will settle down and again he will have no time for you. There will be children, family, worries, everyday life. Maybe he will find 5 minutes to call/write, pour out a bunch of negativity on you or ask for advice. Free psychologist with zero return - that's your role. You don’t think that you will hang out with him, drink beer and share interests. Unless in the company of friends, where it is inconvenient for him not to invite you. And then, if he’s all that good, then most likely he’ll just keep silent about the event. Why does he need to spend time alone with you without the prospect of non-binding sex? Men are simply bored with most women.

And if you are secretly counting on something - that he is not indifferent to you and therefore he wants to leave at least some kind of connection with you, or will come to his senses and come back - forget it right away. Many men tend to return with to varying degrees It's lousy to restore relationships. But even for such a return due to habit, unsuccessful new relationships, or simply the desire to sleep with a proven woman, there must be an incentive. By agreeing to be friends with your ex, you completely deprive him of this incentive. When a person is constantly “nearby”, you take him for granted. It’s separation and tears for you, but everything is comfortable for him. To change something, you need to get out of your comfort zone. This is an ironclad rule. A man is comfortable being friends with his ex (in cases where he is not acting out of pity), so he will not do anything to get back. In his understanding, he has already gone far.

“Since it happened that a woman doesn’t love,
Then with friendship you will only suffer shame.
And happy is the one who chops everything off at once,
He will leave and never return."

These lines were written by Konstantin Simonov, who personally experienced something and knew a lot about the relationship between a man and a woman. The same can be said about girls. Friendship with someone you loved humiliates you and devalues ​​the good that once was.

Breaking up with your loved one. A sea of ​​tears and half-dead dreams. You fell head over heels in love with him, and then he turned his back on you. Grasping the last thread of hope, you think that friendly meetings will give you a chance to return his love. But is it worth settling for friendship as a consolation prize?

What made me write this article was reading the same type of stories about the so-called “friendship with exes” (this is when he has friendly sex, and she still has the same love love) Is it worth turning from a lover into a “girlfriend”, dreaming of someday returning to your previous status?

I read on the forum:

“Tell me, is this the end, or does everything depend on me?Can it be returned?

He said that he would not rush to develop that relationship for now, and he needed to forget me.

I know that meetings are excluded, he will avoid me, but I!!! knocked out friendship!!! We will communicate.
I’m also encouraged that he hasn’t told his friends yet that he left me (at least that’s what he said).
Or maybe I’m wishful thinking and that’s all...

“Knocked out friendship?” They beat out debts and carpets! And in love and friendship, no one owes anyone anything.

Either there is mutual interest - or one kisses, and the other condescendingly offers, it’s good if the cheek. If a person has clearly stated that the relationship is over - to extort friendship means to beg for love.

What do those begging for love count on? "Begging" in best case scenario They can only give pity. And those who are only pitied are no longer admired, but simply strive to gently get rid of them. You give a chervonets to the poor in spirit and wallet as a consolation and try to quickly pass by so that you no longer become attached and whine.

If you can’t remain in the status of your beloved, at least maintain your self-respect!

No matter how hard it is, you shouldn’t slide into clinging to the last thread of hope. Following her feelings, the woman clings to the “empty space.” She doesn’t realize that by doing this she is killing the last chance to return his feelings.

When a woman begs for love, she falls in the eyes of a man because she becomes pathetic and dependent, no matter what words she uses to cover up this condition.

D You can offer friendship when you leave yourself, but offering it when they leave you means not allowing the person to appreciate the emptiness that forms in his life after your separation.

(On how to properly disappear from a man’s life if you want to regain his interest, in the book

Sometimes we only begin to appreciate something when we lose the opportunity to see it every day. But how will he understand what treasure he has lost if this treasure itself jumps on his neck?!

After breaking off the relationship, I invited one person to “just be friends.” I was hooked by his reaction: “We had such love - why spoil it with friendship?” Truly a person not prone to self-deception. Despite the fact that during our meetings he demonstrated his love in every possible way, after my words he did not run after me, but simply looked at me and let me go. To be honest, I returned to thoughts about him more than once.

I remembered his phrase, and one day I had to use it too. I answered the manipulative offer to remain as friends lightheartedly: “I found a girlfriend! I’m not old enough to be friends with men yet.” That's all. I cut off all contacts. I didn’t go to the places where he goes. A few months later, he began to approach me again, with some neutral proposals, I communicated calmly and politely, as with a person with whom nothing had ever been connected. Then, apparently deciding that I did not understand that now he was determined to do more than just be friends, he wrote to me: “I want us to have everything as before. I want to see you." And then he “asked”, and I made the decision whether to return or not.

Hello! In May, I started dating a young man, he was 27 years old, I was 24 at the time. We studied together then, he suggested we go somewhere. On the first date it came to sex, I thought that this would all end, but no. On his own initiative, he started writing and calling, we started dating, and two weeks after we met, he invited his friends to his wedding. Everything went perfectly, like in a fairy tale - no quarrels, no misunderstandings. In touch every day, even when one of us was away. Ideal in bed too. We saw each other every two or three days and stayed with each other overnight. Once we went to another city. By and large, there was no candy-bouquet stage. He brought me bread, eggs and milk when he came home. One day he lost some document at home and asked me to search his apartment. We went to Ikea together and chose furniture for him (we didn’t live together). It all looked like a fairly mature relationship.
We were both supposed to start graduate school in September. Both did not get in, with the same scores. On the day the results were announced, my boyfriend went on vacation to Spain (I’ll make a reservation that we both live in Poland, he’s Polish, I’m Russian). Two days later I entered graduate school by correspondence. He was in Spain for two weeks. For the first 8 days everything went as usual - calls, SMS whenever possible. Then I didn’t get in touch for three days (planned, because I was in the mountains, there were problems with communication). And then suddenly he didn’t get in touch, he wrote on Facebook that he was returning and that we would meet in two days. Two days later he came to my house (I had just moved, he had not yet been in this apartment) and said that while he was in the mountains, he thought a lot about “life without graduate school.” And that he never told me that he loved me and most likely did not love me. This is not entirely true - he said that he fell in love, called him his beloved, etc. He offered to remain friends and really insisted on this. He also said that he would soon leave Poland for a long period anyway (he tried to enter the Ministry of Foreign Affairs then, but later it didn’t work out and didn’t go anywhere).
I was in such shock that I could neither eat nor sleep for several days. At work I sat and just looked at one point. She invited him to a conversation. I calmly explained my position - that I think that we should try to save the relationship, that this is all unexpected, that if it’s about graduate school, I’m ready to drop out. And that if he didn’t tell me “I love you” for six months, but at the same time - and on this we agreed - the relationship was very good, then there’s no point in breaking it off. He listened, said he would think about it, and was quite embarrassed. A few days later he came again and said that there was no point and that we would break up anyway. One of the arguments was that he broke up with his girlfriend in high school, then they tried dating again and quarreled so much that they stopped communicating completely. The fact that 10 years have passed does not bother him.
From that moment on we are so-called friends. That is, it looks like this: we correspond on Facebook (mainly on my initiative), occasionally we meet at my house. I haven't been to see him for two months. He does not avoid these meetings; Last time I sat for 2.5 hours. ABOUT personal life we don’t talk, only about travel (both are travelers), books, plans, etc.
I didn't have it before Serious relationships, everything ended very quickly. I didn't trust him from the very beginning. Perhaps one of the reasons was that I was once raped by an acquaintance of mine, and after that it was quite difficult for me to make contact with other men. The young man does not know about this.
I don't understand what to do. Playing friends is starting to get tiresome. I don’t understand why he left me and why not completely? When I broke off a relationship with someone, it was firmly and forever. Now I don’t cut off contact with him just because I hope that the old relationship will be resumed. For what reason he doesn’t cut them off, I don’t know.
He didn't have new girl, he acted towards me, apparently quite honestly. All articles advise remembering negative moments in relationships, but we didn’t have any. No quarrels, no conflicts, no jealousy.
Now I am eaten up by memories, and of all sorts of little things (like spending time together or making coffee in the morning). I cry every evening. The idea of ​​looking for someone else seems disgusting. I ask for your advice: why did this happen, why is this situation now and what to do? Thank you in advance. Olga

Answers from psychologists

Hello Olga.

The situation is really difficult. It’s difficult not because of the events, but because of how you deal with it emotionally.

1. Does this happen?

Yes, it happens when, at the height of a wonderful relationship, a man suddenly disappears without clear explanations, or distances himself.

This is especially difficult because the reason is not clear, and girls begin to look for it within themselves, tormenting themselves with questions about what is wrong and what they can do.

2. What to do?

Accept the fact that you are not to blame for anything and cannot do anything, but you feel very bad about it. Make a decision to end the torment or prolong it. Tell the man that you are hurt and that such a relationship does not suit you. This is definitely not friendship, since friendship is built only on mutual interest and pleasure, trust and sincerity, and your relationship is rather built on restraining sincerity and increasing tension. You feel constrained and unfree.

It follows from this that either you can stop everything and accept the breakup, mourning it and forgetting, or continue to wait, realizing that it torments you and may never lead to anything.

I can add from myself that what keeps a man in such a relationship can be, for example, a feeling of guilt or, conversely, a feeling of power. but this is just one of many things that could happen.

Biryukova Anastasia, Gestalt therapy in St. Petersburg and Skype around the world

Hello Olga!

It is difficult to say for what reason your boyfriend moved your relationship to a friendly format, but you will have to accept it. While you have not accepted, but have resigned yourself, that is why you are experiencing pain. You still have expectations that everything will come back.

Accept that now he is ready only for friendship, and after that decide what you will do next - be friends, without the desire to have something more, wait, without deadlines and guarantees that he will again want to resume a man-woman relationship, or, if you don’t need him as a friend, end this relationship.

Only by accepting the situation as such. whatever it is, you can make your own conscious choice. By making your own decision, you will remove yourself from the “hook” of waiting, which is painful. While you wait, the situation is unlikely to change. Read my article I hope you find it useful.

If you need help, please contact us. You can work via Skype.

Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, consulting psychologist, St. Petersburg

Hello Olga!

This happens when the views on their existing relationships between the partners themselves do not coincide with regard to their prospects. The “ideal picture” is different for everyone. In addition, on a subconscious level, someone in a couple may have increased expectations and claims towards themselves as an individual: “worthy - not worthy”, “if I can pull it, I won’t pull it”. It's a matter of ambition. Most often, this occurs in men, based on the position: “A man should be better than women, more educated, smarter, etc.” While I was reading your question, I remembered an episode from an old Soviet film"Big change". There main character- the young historian Nestor Petrovich did not enter graduate school, and his fiancée Polina beat him according to the results of the examination committee, thereby receiving the only budget place. Nestor Petrovich was quite self-confident, even narcissistic, and when he was defeated, essentially by his fiancee, it turned the world upside down in his eyes. It became impossible for him to continue his relationship with the successful Polina.

In your case, there is no question about love, about continuing the relationship until the man accepts himself with all his victories and defeats, his real self, not his ideal self.

Some people think that separation should be preceded by quarrels, endless showdowns. This is also a misconception. For some, a showdown is pointless, because they have long ago decided everything for themselves for everyone else. And if someone doesn’t agree, then that’s his problem.

Accept what happened as a fact. Don’t “break your spears” in search of the truth, don’t overload yourself with analyzing other people’s actions, or looking for someone to blame or for shortcomings in yourself. Don't settle for relationships that you don't want. Take time to “cool down” from old events in your personal life, leave them in your memory as an invaluable experience with all their pros and cons, and then clearly formulate for yourself what kind of relationship with a man you need and what it will be based on.

Good luck! Sincerely, psychologist-consultant, Oksana Spasichenko. Saint Petersburg.

Spasichenko Oksana Nikolaevna, psychologist in St. Petersburg