Greetings, dear readers! Have you ever felt discomfort when being around friends, colleagues or family members? I'll bet a dollar on something that has happened more than once. Want to know why this happens? Some people tend to be hostile towards to those around . Sometimes to everyone at once, sometimes selectively, sometimes intentionally, and often following the lead of the games of the subconscious.

Sometimes we are faced with explosive aggression (anger), and sometimes with hidden hostility. How to understand that you are a victim aggression and how to deal with it? This is what we will talk about today.

Hostility and its masks

Very often, when becoming victims of hostility, a person is not aware of it. You may ask: “What is the threat of such manifestations if we still don’t notice them?” I will explain, the hidden negativity that others pour out on us may not reach our understanding, but it will inevitably penetrate into ours. Then we feel depressed, uncomfortable, insecure, and can follow the lead of the aggressors, preventing the development of our potential and suppressing our own dignity. It shouldn't be this way.

Hostility is in psychology , emotional condition a person who wants to take control of people who do not meet his expectations.

Let's look at something more accessible and simple example. The mother-in-law is deeply convinced that the daughter-in-law should not work. Her ideas about an ideal wife are based on decorating the house, running the household and caring for her beloved son. While the daughter-in-law wants to build a career, while coming to absolute agreement and understanding with her husband. Every time you are with your daughter-in-law, hint that the daughter-in-law is not good enough for her son, that she is a bad housewife, mother, wife, and so on.

How it manifests itself such hostility, if not direct attack? Hints, nonverbal cues(smirks, sighs, eye rolls, head shakes) and many other ways to send your poor sister-in-law a "wrap" as Sam Wakin would say aggression , and invade her personal boundaries.

So what is hostility like? She happens under a mask hidden aggression, or through “open fire”. What to do if you are faced with an “open fire” I described in the article “ ».

How to understand that you have become a victim and recognize hidden aggression?

Hidden aggression - derogatory attitude, providing pressure on a person and affecting his sovereignty. The goal of the aggressor is usually to manipulate and control the victim. In the articleI help create the right line of behavior. But in order to begin to form it, you need to understand whether you really have become a victim. Here are the most common ones signs disguised aggression:

• unflattering comparisons (“you’re like that crocodile from the joke”);
• sarcasm (“where should we go, you know this better than anyone”);
• command tone (“do as you are told”);
• comments (“you’re doing it wrong” “everyone should know this”);
• condescension (“come on, didn’t you know about such simple things?”);
• generalization (“well, everything is as usual with you”);
• boasting (“I would have finished everything long ago”);
• reminder of failure (“it will happen again like that time”);
• false sympathy (“hold on, otherwise you look just terrible”);
• facial expressions and gestures (the same ones that our mother-in-law used).

How to resist aggression?

Most often the embodiment definitions hostility and aggression, we encounter at work among colleagues. That is why it is most difficult to cope with, because if our relatives try to take control of us, they do not do it out of malice, you can talk to them and find compromises. As for acquaintances and people whom we consider friends, here, if the problem cannot be solved, we can simply cut off all ties. But when it comes to work colleagues, the issue becomes acute. Do you hold on to your place, but feel that you are not welcome there? The article in which I raise will help you find a solution .

The second method is based on agreement with the aggressor. Yes, it is precisely agreement with the statement and mockery, no matter how caustic they may be, that will help repel the opponent. Add a drop of irony and sarcasm to your agreement, and behold, the wolf rushes back to his forest.

Remember that the nature of the aggressor hides its own powerlessness, uncertainty and complexes. By humiliating others, a person asserts his self.

Main , because others may not have noticed the hidden hostility from your opponent, which means it is your behavior that will cause indignation. You can try the third option - dialogue. Perhaps your opponent does not adequately assess his behavior; by having a calm but constructive one-on-one conversation, you can achieve changes for the better.

To better understand your colleagues and form the right behavior in a team, read the article in which I tell you what to do . If you realize that you will have to get along with “difficult” people, the author of the book will help you find the right tactics “How to talk to assholes. What to do with inadequate and unbearable people in your life" - Mark Goulston.

With this I say goodbye. Subscribe to the newsletter and don't let aggressors get the better of you.

Evgenia Nemirovskaya, psychologist

Hidden messages

- Oh, you’ve recovered, is everything okay? - Where did you get the idea? -You're so nervous! I worry about you! - Why are you crying? You have a hundred more of these machines at home, just think, it’s broken. - I always thought that you were above this... - What is your name? Ekaterina, did you say? Katya, tell me...

Quite often we hear such “strange” phrases - from our husbands, relatives, friends. And this “strangeness” can also be expressed like this: pretend that you did not hear an important request. Pretend that you don’t understand what the child wants. “I didn’t see” an urgent SMS or letter. “Accidentally” he spoiled the offender’s thing and “with all my heart” apologized: “Come on, it’s such trifles...” He promised and didn’t do it. This list can be continued endlessly: sabotage, devaluation, diminishing importance, negativism, avoidance of direct conversation, causticism under the guise of care, manipulation, deliberate delay or failure to fulfill agreements, contempt, sarcasm - all these are typical manifestations of hidden or passive aggression.

Such aggression does not manifest itself openly, and it may seem that what is happening is just a play on words or circumstances, however, if this aggression is directed at us, we unmistakably feel it. Important signs: After communication, confusion, anger, anxiety, depression, guilt and other unpleasant feelings remain.

Psychology even describes passive-aggressive and covert-aggressive personality types; such manifestations take the form of a mental disorder. One can only sympathize with these people and their loved ones - it’s not easy for them, and it’s difficult to be around them.

Why do we need aggression?

Aggression is a phenomenon of two sides. This is what destroys and protects. My aggression protects my boundaries and violates others’, and, conversely, someone else’s aggression violates my boundaries and protects their own. Aggression connects us with the animal world; its biological meaning lies in the survival of the species: aggression maintains the distance between individuals and delimits territory. Any person needs a certain level of aggression in order to protect personal property, territory, intellectual property, body, values ​​from the penetration of another. And attack if necessary.

There are an infinite number of manifestations of aggression in people. With direct aggression, the goal is not hidden, the actions are intentional.

This does not necessarily mean an attack; direct aggression can also be expressed in words (although if words do not work, we quite use techniques from the animal world and can growl, bite and fight). Indirect aggression is aimed at belonging, expensive things or people of those to whom this aggression is addressed. A striking example- vandalism. And passive aggression is a suppressed expression of anger in a socially acceptable form: a person like “nothing like that” does not do or say, on the contrary, he does not express open dissatisfaction, but carefully disguises it, and hidden aggression very active, although veiled.

The last two types of aggression are often “combined” into one - passive aggression. Indirect expression of aggression is very convenient - you can express your opinions without the risk of getting rebuffed or rejected. Although, if you think about it, the benefit here is rather momentary: if you communicate from this position constantly, there is every chance of rejection - it is unlikely that the other party will want to continue communication in the same spirit.

Let's compare. Here is a mother telling her daughter:

“I don’t like it when you take my things. Please don’t take them in future without my permission.” Or like this: “My dress doesn’t suit you at all - you look fat in it, as well as in my other things.”

In the first case, the mother directly protects her property from her daughter’s attacks. In the second case, the mother is still unhappy that her daughter took her dress, but here she acts as a passive aggressor and expresses her dissatisfaction in roundabout ways. We use passive aggression when we cannot do or say something directly. The question is why can't we do this?

Where does it come from

So, we need aggression primarily in order to defend our borders. However, the manifestation of direct aggression in our society is not accepted and is condemned. Moreover, adults often require children not to show aggression at all - to be obedient, not to offend others, to share their toys, to suppress attacks of anger. Unfortunately, these requirements, the fulfillment of which can please parents and relieve them of the painful feeling of shame for their child, cause significant harm to the child himself!

A ban on reactions that are natural for a child will almost inevitably lead to the child becoming a passive or hidden aggressor: he learns to achieve his goals in roundabout ways, and does not express disagreement and anger directly, but shows it in passive or hidden ways.

Instead of saying that he does not want to eat soup, he will pick at the plate, get distracted, smear it on the table, spill it, or have fun, wanting to “punish” the parent and not daring to express his reluctance openly. This scenario is fixed, the child begins to use it for any reason and continues to do so when he grows up.

Cultural codes contribute to manifestations of covert or passive aggression. For example, the attitude that a girl should be modest and feminine should be hinted at, not asked, and a man should guess what she wants. Or the idea “you need to talk politely with an adult,” which implies the impossibility of objecting or at least disagreeing, and much more that is familiar to us from childhood: “Good children don’t say that,” “If you say that, it means you don’t love your mother.” .

Passive or covert aggression occurs when a person cannot express his anger openly, so the anger seeps out on the sly.

A passive or covert aggressor is a person who:

Experiences difficulties in communication, cannot or does not know how to openly sort things out.

He is afraid of conflicts - because if everyone quarrels, it means the relationship is ruined, they will no longer love him.

Does not refuse to fulfill a request, does not take a pause to think, but postpones or does not fulfill the promise at all.

Does not feel guilty and does not apologize, sees and presents the situation as if the other is always to blame.

Does not show initiative - does not call or write first, does not express his opinion, or his opinion is very general and unclear.

He endures insults, and then endlessly complains and bullies the offender behind his back.

He does not talk about his desires and needs to others - they need to guess about them and do what is needed.

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Violation of personal boundaries in our time is very actual problem. Invasion of personal space refers to “hidden” or “enveloping” aggression, which is difficult to immediately recognize. In essence, “hidden” aggression is ordinary everyday actions, but with aggressive overtones.

The reasons for “hidden” aggression include:

1. inability to show open aggression due to fear of response or condemnation;
2. personal dislike for a person;
3. excessive care that crosses the psychological boundaries of the individual;
4. desire to control and correct personality (found in some parents in relation to their children).

This type of aggression is scary because the victim does not always understand what is happening to him. Aggressors act gradually, step by step instilling in a person a feeling of helplessness, dependence, and self-doubt. IN best case scenario the victim begins to feel hostility or disgust towards these people and stops communicating with them. And at worst, aggressors suppress a person’s personality and gain control over him. With the long-term influence of “hidden” violence, the victim may develop paranoia, neuroses and serious problems with nerves or psyche.

In total, three main types of “hidden” psychological violence can be distinguished:

1. Hold. It is aimed at preventing a person from expressing his thoughts and feelings. Constant psychological pressure of this nature leads to a person becoming uncomfortable with his thoughts, desires, and actions. As a result, the victim has to constantly make excuses or hide his feelings. Retention can include the following psychological techniques, as a result of which the victim loses self-confidence and the desire to express himself:

• devaluation of a person’s feelings and thoughts;
• devaluing achievements, explaining them by luck or outside help;
• devaluation, failure to take dreams or plans seriously;
• false accusations, gossip, dissemination of personal and intimate information;
• inflated expectations and further humiliation if a person does not realize them;
• invasion of personal life, surveillance, reading personal correspondence, tracking phone calls, control with the help of other persons;
• unnecessary care and unnecessary gifts that are required to be used;
• interruption of communication, constant interruptions, not taking the conversation seriously, refusing to talk, changing the topic, ignoring the narrator;
• cruel jokes and tactlessness;
• bullying, collective ridicule;
• boycott and refusal to communicate.

1. Extinguishing. It manifests itself in a dismissive attitude towards a person, devaluation of his personality, refusal of help or support. This is manifested in the following actions:

• devaluation of a person’s time, lateness or failure to show up for a meeting without warning;
• refusal to help and support a person, believing that his problems are not serious;
• devaluation of human labor, disrespect for the fruits of human work or creativity;

disrespect for another person's personal space. This may manifest itself in examining personal belongings without his knowledge, disposing of these things at his own discretion.

1. Gaslighting. This type of aggression is aimed at convincing the victim that their suspicions are false and discomfort. Essentially, gaslighting is a defensive technique used by an aggressor. When a person feels dissatisfaction, suspicion and hostility on the part of his opponent, he attributes these feelings to some other factor. The aggressor may explain this by fatigue, bad character, misunderstanding, incompetence and even hinting at mental disorders. The idea that other people only wish the best for a person, but he is making everything up, can be heard especially often. As a result of constant such beliefs, the victim begins to believe that something is really wrong with him, falling under the complete control of the aggressor.

“Hidden” aggression is much more common than overt aggression. It can be confused with real concern, which can be misleading. And then a person thinks that everything is fine around him, and then suddenly discovers that personal boundaries have been completely erased. It is especially difficult when hidden aggression comes from loved one, because in this case it is almost impossible to resist. But psychological pressure does not always have malicious intent behind it. It may be the result of overprotection or lack of personal boundaries. Therefore, listen and treat each other with respect.